aah something or another
". . . There are times when we can feel destiny close around us like a fist around a doorknob. Sure, we can resist. But a knob that won't turn, a door that sticks and never budges, is a nuisance to the gods. The gods may kick in the jamb. Worse, they may walk away in disgust, leaving us to hang dumbly from our tight hinges, deprived of any other chance in life to swing open into unnecessary risk and thus into enchantment."
- Tom Robbins,
Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates
I had a decent day at work today, so decent, in fact, that I got to leave early. It wouldn't make it on a top-ten list of Daily Grind Super-Fun Days, but it was a huge improvement over yesterday, when I slept through the time when I was supposed to be opening the store, y'know, making coffee and muffins, getting things ready. The boss was cranky as can be yesterday, and a co-worker got in a big ugly argument with her. I tried to steer clear, but it was all quite frustrating and uncomfortable. Today was downright delightful in comparison.
I treated myself to a Hennepin after being cut loose, and then walked home up the several hundred stairs of the Approach with a buzz on. It surprises me that one beer gave me a buzz, but I'm not complaining. I guess it should figure, since I partake of about a drink a month. On the walk, I called Tiffany, who was about 15 minutes away from doing her bassoon jury, which means she'll be performing a piece and some scales for the bassoon faculty at her school. She was in a good mood about it, and it was nice to talk to her at a different hour. For a while, we were chatting during the day rather often, but her cellular bill kicked her ass, and we've been keeping to evenings. Usually, they're evenings when I have worked and will work again, so we keep it short and sweet. It's been less frequent recently, due in part to my spending more time hanging out with friends.
And speaking of friends influencing my life, I only got about two or three hours of unusual sleep last night. I'm sure I dreamed, and I'm sure it was confusing, but I actually got up earlier than usual. It was a pleasant morning, in spite of my exhaustion. Two double espressos and a Hennepin contributed to my surviving the day with a smile.
So I don't know if I'm going to keep up this journaling thing, now that I'm writing in the good ol' "something or another," but perhaps. I occasionally throw something personal into my obsessively-updated "aah music blog", but it doesn't really fit there. I use that primarily for reporting on things Nimly, and I don't expect the average person who stumbles onto it to want to hear about my day. This here is a "something or another," though, so I think it's ok.
I listened to old saved phone messages after work today as I sipped my drink. Many of them were from a fellow whose website I'm helping design, but there was also one from Jordan, Tiffany's son, that went something like, "Hi, Andrew, I'm just calling to say I love you! And why do you have such a dumb answering machine message? Did you get the I love you part? Well, call my mom back tonight, because I shall be in bed. I love you. Goodnight." It made me smile.
He's a cool kid.
My cat is sitting in a cardboard box, staring at me. It really is quite adorable.
So this is my attempt to be "reflective," which is something important, I think. I've been kind of down lately: missing Tiffany, frustrated about my life, anxious about the future. It's good to be sad sometimes, though, but it seems my friends worry about me when they see it. I don't think the advice, "Don't be sad," is any good at all for me, so I ignore it and be sad, anyway. However, I have an unfortunate habit of letting it linger while I do other things, like sit up for hours and read entries about time travel and quantum physics on Wikipedia. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and I have no one to blame but myself for that one. A nap is certainly in order for today.
Tiffany sent me her map of Chicago and a detailed set of instructions for getting around when I come to visit her this month. I'm travelling on the 26th, and when I arrive, she'll be at work. I think the plan is to find her at work, get her keys, go back to her apartment, and wait for her there. Or something like that. Maybe I'll wander around the city on my own before going to her apartment. The instructions are cute because Tiffany drew little pictures of all of her important keys so I can recognize them. It was an odd thing to get in the mail.
I bought some new loose tea today: Fermosa Oolong. I've been experimenting lately with loose teas, and this will be my third bag. The first two were Russian Spice and Lapsang Souchong, both stupendous in their own way. I'm looking forward to trying this new one, but not until after a nap. The big plan for tonight is rehearsal with Nathan Stodola, who I'm playing a show with tomorrow night. We're hoping to debut two new covers. I don't have any new solo stuff.
Alright, enough chitter chatter. Time to nap. Maybe I'll write more soon. Maybe I won't.
So I've been working at a coffee house, not getting a lot of hours. It's a pleasant job sometimes, but it's not what I want to be doing. I've been procrastinating on finding substitute teaching work. Theoretically, substitute teaching might be great. I'd have evenings free, I'd be able to take days off whenever I want, and I'd get paid more. I'd also be making school connections and getting teaching experience, good for me and my resume. I'm kind of terrified. I've been terrified of my supposed profession for years. When I actually teach, when things go well and I feel confident about things, it's a wonderful experience, and I think, "How could I even think of doing anything else?" When it goes shitty, it's shitty. But when anything goes shitty it's shitty. I have days like that making coffee, too.
Anyway, I'm waiting to hear back from the Troy City School District personnel office. I forced myself to wake up and call today. I think it'll be a good direction to go in.
Next week, I'm visiting Tiffany and Jordan in Chicago. I'm excited about that. I haven't seen her since August. For a while, I tried to put the whole situation out of my mind, but now I know I need to make real plans. If all goes well, I may move out there come summer. I need to get out of Troy. One summer and one schoolyear is plenty, I think. Also, I'm lonely, and there isn't much I can do about it.
I dreamed that a neighbor in an adjacent yard here in Troy built some contraption that went deep into our backyard. It looked like it might have been the beginning of a playground. So their kid was there in a hammock or something, and I was pretty pissed that they decided to build into our yard, so I asked the kid if she knew anything about it. She told me that the whole yard was theirs, and although I knew that when I was in high school we owned half of the yard (there's no fence), I couldn't be sure my mom didn't sell our half since then. I got pissed and stormed off, then found that somebody I barely knew had dropped a key off at our house.
Somebody is raising a child without a diaper.
And I dreamed that I was having a baby girl. An old friend of mine was carrying her, but Tiffany and I were going to raise her. She would skip ahead a few years in development and learn to talk and stuff, but I don't remember much of anything about her.
I was in Chicago for this, but I realized that I had no memory of flying there, which made me realize it was a dream. Rather than be a fun lucid dream, it basically stopped it from continuing. Stuff would happen, but I wouldn't believe it. I miss the days of lucid dreaming when I could walk around consciously while interacting with things.
There are ghost women in my life, exerting their supernatural influence over me. One moment, they're silently stalking in old hardwood-floored corridors of memory, the next they're invisible but laughing, sighing, whispering, or moaning in distant echoes of sexual pleasure long ago spent. Sometimes, I can't tell the difference between them and the real ones.
I find it interesting to note a connection between the small Tom Robbins quote I posted yesterday and
The Tao of Pooh. Sense of humor seems to be essential in Taoism, the kind of sense of humor that lets you enjoy what the world has to offer. The kind very serious and quite playful, that allows you to see genuine goodness in things.
A book recommendation for all, with the potential to change your life:
The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
I happened across this book today in a used bookstore in the illustrious Troy, NY, and purchased it for $3.50. I brought it home, read the introduction, dozed happily, did some fun things in Ballston Spa, and eventually came home and read the rest.
We all remember Winnie-the-Pooh, that simple-minded, compassionate bear adventuring through the forest with his flawed but charming and familiar friends, Piglet, Rabbit, Owl, Tigger, Kanga, Roo, Eeyore, and of course, Christopher Robin. Although I was more into Seuss, with his bizarre contraptions of character, plot and invention, Pooh had a place in my childhood storybookworld, too.
The Tao of Pooh brings Pooh and friends back to life for a discussion of the principles of Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy, through the familiar Western context of Pooh. The messages here are of simplicity, harmony with all things, contentment, effortlessness, peace, compassion, and awareness. Pooh shows us what is
really important in life, and the result is significant and stirring.
There are ideas here I had begun to understand, but I think I've turned away from them without realizing it. What a wonderful way to be reminded!
This is a beautiful book. I cherish it. It may have changed my life.
Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."
Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fish can't whistle and neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."
Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
Why does a chicken, I don't know why.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."- Winnie the Pooh
"...And a sense of humor, properly developed, is superior to any religion so far devised."
- Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
